To Wish Impossible Things
by jesushellachrist
Summary: Basically, this had started as a smutty, future fic idea but I think my subconscious is still recovering from episode five. So, this is an AU fic of the rave if it wasn't a complete heartbreak mind-fuck. I'm still new to this so reviews would be appreciated! Parts 5/? ***Chapter 4 tw: self harm.
1. The Battle

She felt bloody_ amazing!_ She hadn't felt this happy in..well..ever! The beat of the music pulsed from the balls of her feet to her fingertips. She felt so light and free; the weight of her Rae armor nonexistent: she didn't need it tonight. Her mood was also very...affectionate; her ever-growing horn was bursting tonight and she couldn't take it anymore. The kiss she shared with Archie only aroused her curiosity all the more. What would it be like to kiss _him_? To touch his sweltering flesh? To feel those deliberate fingers articulate a message a little more _intimately_...That's it. Dancing couldn't expel the sultry energy vibrating throughout her anymore. She needed to find him.

Scanning the crowd proved to be more difficult than she'd expected. The ecstasy, the dizzying lights, the constant movement of bodies and shapes were hypnotizing from within but, from outside the dance floor, they just made her nauseous. Rae felt her way to a somewhat secluded section of the designated party area in the old mansion and leaned against the wall. She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek to the cool brick surface and, after a song or two (it was hard to tell with techno), she felt refreshed enough to resume her mission.

As if a sign from above-a sign from an Adonis Finn Nelson was no doubt descendant of-she heard the familiar blaring crap that is Babylon Zoo. She could feel the smile on her face and half-believed it would split her face in two it was so wide. Hoping to catch his roaming gaze, she scanned the room again, with a tingling sensation in her stomach that was quickly spreading elsewhere, and she found him. His view, however, was obstructed by a familiar high ponytail. Great.

* * *

His heart wasn't in it at first but he soon put all thoughts of Rae and Archie out of his mind and began to enjoy letting loose. He felt a pang of guilt for sullying their song but another, darker part of him relished the ironic hostility of it. Shaking his head, he tried to forget it all and just savor the rest of the night. Chloe's hands were insisting on more contact than Finn felt comfortable with. Doing his best to keep it friendly, he created as much space as he could, but when her hands brushed his stomach and rested on his waist he couldn't help but remember the sensation of Rae's hands pressed there not but a few hours ago. The guilt became overwhelming.

Finn pressed his forehead to Chloe's but kept their mouths a safe distance apart, shouting, as clear as he could, "Chlo, nothin' can 'appen between us alrigh'?" He kept his eyes closed for a moment; he didn't want to see how this news affected her.

"Why?" she pleaded. Her voice intimated a pang of rejection.  
Looking into her eyes, Finn prodded, "C'mon, ya can't tell meh it's not obvious."

Something passed through her gaze..understanding? Disappointment? Although he'd like to think he's fairly good at reading people, Finn couldn't gauge Chloe too well; he'd always figured her as superficial, shallow, nothing in her head but Top 40 and fit boys, but maybe he wasn't giving her enough credit. In only a moment, whatever emotions her eyes had conveyed dissolved and her face was blank, if a bit expectant.

"Please tell me it's Rae. If you're turnin' me down, I at least want to know ah'm losin' to the bettah man." She smirked, the amusement barely reaching her eyes.

Finn smiled sheepishly and nodded, appreciative of Chloe's perceptiveness. He made a mental note to try to think better of her. Just as they were about to break apart of their own accord, a force of nature named Rachel Earl stepped in to do it for them.

* * *

Initially, her stomach had dropped, the tingling dissipated and was replaced by a painfully hollow and impossibly heavy sensation in her gut. Eyes shut tight, Rae counted to ten, and again, and again. As this tactic was clearly failing, she tried to think of something-anything-to push her present situation out of mind. A face cropped up in her thoughts: beautiful, broken Tixie. Tix, whom she'd spoken to just a few hours ago, had given Rae the confidence to go to the rave in the first place. After Rae heard Tix recount her momentous day, she couldn't help but feel elated: Tix had finally spent time with Danny Two-Hats, just the two of them, and she even invited him to her dinner date with Rae. She had apologized to Rae for doing so but also said that, if it weren't for Rae, there's no way she could have done it. Rae suddenly felt like a coward as she admitted to Tix why she was calling: her mistake of trying to free Karim's birds, the fight with her mum, and how she was now standing in Finn's hallway, calling her younger friend for advice. There was a pause then a sound Rae's heart had been aching to hear: a giggling Tixie.

"Oh, Rae, don't you see? This is _perfect_!"

"Wha' is?"

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait-what are ya on about?"

"I'll see you tomorrow at the debrief. We can fill each other in on what happened on our dates."

"Tix, it's hardly a date. The whole gang will be there! Not ta mention every cool person in Lincolnshire-not that there's too many a them. Besides, I haven't even agreed to go yet."

"_Yet_. Rae, it's a date. You are going to a rave with the fittest boy you have ever met, on the back of his scooter, and you are going to dance with him. Now, go get ready! You're going make me late for my first date!"

They both squealed into their receivers.

"Oh, alrigh'! Good luck, Fatty."

"Have fun, Skinny."

Well, there's no way Rae's going to turn up for the debrief with this story. She equipped herself with her Rae armor and charged toward her two friends.

* * *

"Rae, wha' the fook?" Finn inquired with an open frown and furrowed brows. He and Chloe turned toward her and she dropped her grip on her friends' arms. She had their attention and now it was time to explain her absurdity; to take a stand.

"I need ta tell ya somethin'." She glanced at Chloe and Finn could taste the confliction and nervousness between the pair. He stared at Rae's probing, fragile gaze, wondering what silent plea she was asking of Chloe and, out of his peripheral vision, clocked Chloe almost imperceptibly shake her head. That seemed to seal Rae's determination. She straightened up and breathed in, looking from Finn to Chloe and back to Finn. What the fuck was going on?

As Rae opened her mouth to speak, Chloe interjected. "Rae! Finn was just sayin' how this is your song."

This seemed to stop Rae in her tracks. Finn dropped his gaze to his fascinating fingernails, studied them for what felt like an hour but was realistically not even a minute. He bit at his thumb as he swept his eyes back up to Rae's. Her eyes were bright, matching the smile on her face, and all previous conflict was gone. He realized then that he was smiling, too.

"Right, well," Chloe briefly placed her hand on Finn's shoulder to break the couple's insistent eye contact, then placed herself slightly behind her best friend, resting her chin on Rae's shoulder, "I'll leave you two lovebirds to it, then." she said with a wink and a small embrace of Rae's arms. Rae returned Chloe's smile and watched her friend retreat from the battleground then turned to fully take-in her conquest.


	2. The Retreat

Finn looked like a statue compared to the gyrating bodies surrounding him. His hands were in his pockets and he was peeking up at Rae. Although a coy smile played at his lips he did not look entirely content. After wanting nothing but to dance with Rae all night, looking at her now, all he wanted to do was be alone with her to ...talk.

Rae emboldened him in so many ways but he also never felt more timid than when they were in a crowded room together, when she looked at him like she knew his secret thoughts, like it was a secret they shared. She reached out for his arm, initiating the long-awaited dance between the two, but instead, Finn took this as an opportunity to step closer to speak into her ear.

"Do ya maybeh wanna go outside and chat? I'm well drenched!" He pulled away and stared at her with raised eyebrows. As an answer, she nodded her head enthusiastically. She bit her lip and they paused for a moment, not sure how to continue. Maybe it was the thumping soundtrack or the fantastical light display but something about this felt momentous.

* * *

Despite the time of year, the night air felt cool compared to the balmy dew engulfing the dancers inside. The only warmth she felt was in the center of her belly and the hand she was sharing with a certain Finn Nelson. Walking side by side, they silently meandered around the grounds of the abandoned manor, not looking at each other, not sure what was to be said. Stepping into an area she supposed used to be a garden from the overgrown rose bushes, Rae reluctantly broke contact with the boy of her deepest desires and made her way over to a bench she'd spotted. Looking up at him, she patted the empty space next to her invitingly.

He looked impossibly gorgeous in just a white undershirt and his old, baggy jeans. Simplicity worked for him, in every sense, which is partly why she was concerned about what she needed to tell him; is she too complicated? Too much work? She had to go to therapy and practice silly exercises to find herself bearable; was he really able to like her without so much effort?

The high from earlier was wearing off but when he sat down and placed his hand over hers and stroked her skin with his thumb, she felt a rush of confidence: the confidence she required to confide in him her real self, the inner Rae she felt no one could love but he was possibly her best shot.

* * *

Finn's eyes darted from the weeds on the ground, to the paint chips he was picking with his right thumb and forefinger off of the wooden bench, to his own boots, and up to the girl he was in love with. All the things he had wanted to tell her now rested in the back of his throat but his nerves had barricaded themselves between his desired declarations and his tongue. He swallowed the heavy night air, subconsciously trying to consume his own confessions, to keep them to himself a little longer because he suddenly felt unsure.

What if Rae didn't love him back? It's easy when it's just the two of them but seeing her and Archie together made Finn feel insecure. It complicated things. He had demanded a clear definition of their relationship once before, in the cupboard of lust, and that rejection still tightened his chest when he remembered it. Of course he had forgiven her afterward; whatever her problem was, she was able to look past it, selflessly, when he needed her comfort. Their friendship had grown since then and, on his side at least, something else had seeded itself deep within.

It's not something he could explain which is maybe why it took him so long to figure it out. There was just something about her. His day didn't feel complete til she showed up at the pub and took the mickey out of him for something and, at the end of the day, he would think back and squirm at his attempts to impress her. He wouldn't even realize he was doing it at the time, her presence just seemed to take over his brain and change his behavior. Honestly, he felt cleverer around her but he also never felt so thick.; she had this way of bringing out the best in him yet putting him to shame with how much smarter and cooler she was. Finn Nelson was the image of cool in Lincolnshire: leather jacket, motor bike, baggy jeans, flannel, earring, and his ever-present facade of superiority. But he never felt cooler than when she had linked her arms on his chest as they rode together, he never felt funnier than when she laughed at his quips, and he never felt more alive than when they were together. Just listening to records or sitting in the park, he was filled with this energy; a sort of warm, relaxing but, at the same time, invigorating energy that enveloped him when Rae was around. If that's not love then what is?

Finn thought about the ride there, the way she made him feel so much bolder, braver, as she stretched out her hands, putting her trust in him, to embrace the evening air and the evening itself. It was in little, thoughtless moments like this that Rae could completely astound Finn, like when she blatantly shouted her feelings to Chop down the chippy when he was getting on her pissing nerves. After that display, Finn didn't need a second to think before his fist collided with that scumbag Big G's face. Her courage is what totally floored him and inspired him. He felt like she was endlessly impressive and he was just a knobhead with a decent taste in music and a silly motorbike.

Still, when she finally looked at him full-on, turned toward him, ready to speak what was on her mind, he thought back to just a few minutes ago, how she had stepped in between himself and Chloe and how he had just walked away from her embrace with Archie. Now it was finally his turn to be brave.

"Finn, ah have somethin' ta tell ya and it's not easy bu-"

"I have somethin' ta tell ya, too actually," he interrupted. Time to put it all out there.

"WILL YA STOP DOIN' THA'?" She punctuated her frustration by breaking their grasp and pushing him not so lightly on the shoulders.

* * *

Oh, great, that stupid, slackened expression of his is back. Good going, _Raemundo._

"Well, ya not interruptin' meh this time like ya did at the park." She explained.

His thought process was visible as he remembered their conversation a few weeks back and his face seemed to soften with understanding, maybe even a tinge of guilt as he nodded for her to continue.

How was she supposed to focus whilst staring at that beautiful, bloody face of his? She forced herself to look away, she turned herself to face forward and he mirrored her reluctantly. Doing her best to breathe steadily, she closed her eyes and worked to push the thoughts of what could happen away, of why it was a bad idea, and just focused on what she wanted: relief. Relief from carrying around a backpack of bullshit, from lying to the people who had opened up to her and let her in, from feeling like a simple, falsified version of herself. Rae Earl is not simple; she feels like all these different people were fused together in some blind experiment, became unstable, and exploded; and she's the aftermath of the combustion.

Sure, the pieces of herself were being put back together but she did not yet feel whole. Being around Finn is what made her feel most whole. When she was alone, she was afflicted by dark thoughts of every category; when she was surrounded by people of sound mind, she'd have doubtful thoughts of rejection try to soil her fantasies. How could he ever fancy her? Why did she even let herself dream of it? But not when they were together. His hand, tracing his thoughts silently onto her skin, drowned out her nearly endless internal monologue. Something Rae never felt like she had was peace. Whether it was her own torturous mind, her nightmare of a mum, or even her uneasy friendship with Chloe, Rae never felt like she could just be. But that's what he was; Finn was her peace of mind.

It scared her to tell him who she really is because, she couldn't pretend anymore, not even to herself, that it was all erotic fantasies and staring at his mouth-watering bum; she really needed her time alone with him even if it was just as friends. Rae needed someone who she could be herself around and she's never felt closer to that with anyone other than Tixie. Maybe it was just because he was a bloke but, unlike with Tix, there was this undercurrent of tension she felt with Finn. Not always, but sometimes she found herself snapping at him unintentionally and he would bite back, but it wasn't caused by any sort of malice; it was something she couldn't place. This was a new feeling. It felt like an almost-tangible electricity; it would constantly surprise her by making her angry or horny without any warning; when he looked at her a certain way or made some off-hand remark, it would shock her into action physically or verbally and there was no explanation... There had to be something more there and if it was possible he returned her affections, then he needed to know the truth.

Finn shifted himself so that their arms were pressed together. Feeling his touch, she realized how ridiculous this silence was and that it couldn't last forever. _Just do it, Rae._

"I have somethin' ta tell ya and ah think it could change what you have ta tell me. So, please, let me go first." She looked up at him for his silent permission and took a deep breath. This was it.


	3. Defeated and Depleted

Suddenly, the rave had lost its fun and Chloe felt deflated. Honestly, she couldn't really tell how she felt most of the time anymore. Part of her was angry, bitter, jealous and her mind began to sprout insults to jab at her best friend. Guilt washed over her and turned her stomach. Unable to distract herself, Chloe made her way to an empty corridor and paced.

She had done her best to be normal. Stephen was clearly a mistake; to go from hanging out with sixth-formers to full-on sexual intercourse with an adult-a teacher, no less-was such a knobhead move. A _baby_. She could have had a baby, she could have been a mother, a teenage mother. Pushing those thoughts out of her mind, still unable to cope with the enormity of it all, Chloe thought of her next big mistake on her journey to adulthood: trying to steal her best friend's love interest.

Of course she didn't know Rae had fancied Finn when she sent the love letter. How could she? Her best friend was about as open as a nun's habit...or whatever it's called. Besides, that's not how things worked. Chloe had learned how things worked from her older sister: fit boys only fancy fit girls and, well, most other boys only fancy fit girls, too. She remembered her sister, Jane, endlessly sobbing about how there's no point in fancying anyone because she would never have a chance and she remembered her sister's transformation into the girl Chloe now looked up to. Confident, sexy, slight but curvy, always getting attention from boys, and always getting exactly what she wanted. Jane had told Chloe that it was the best thing she'd ever done for herself, that she finally felt normal, and that was the most important thing to remember: act the part, become the part.

So, she acted. She acted like she was perfect, like she had it all together. When her "mature" relationship fell through, she realized what her sister had meant. Feeling this way wasn't normal, getting abortions at sixteen because you got knocked up by your gym coach wasn't normal. Finn was one of the fittest boys she'd ever met, definitely the fittest boy she was friends with, apart from Archie, but Rae had already staked her claim on him. Even if they weren't together anymore, they definitely had chemistry and now history-Archie's favorite subject-and Chloe couldn't impede on Rae's territory, so she settled on Finn. He was fit enough and after snogging him, maybe she'd feel something more, and, if she could get him into bed with her, maybe he'd make it a long-term thing. Then she would be normal. She could enter sixth-form as half of the fittest couple and then she could become the part.

But she wasn't stupid. After confessing to Rae about the note, and crashing her music play-date with Finn, she knew that Rae had lied about not liking anyone and she knew her competition was fierce. Of course, if Rae had just _told_ Chloe, taken just _one _of the opportunities she had given her to confess her feelings for Finn, then they could have talked about it civilly. Typical Rae. She just _had_ to fancy the same boy. But it wasn't just fancying, was it? Not only did she win but she wouldn't even have to act the part. They really liked each other. It would be effortless. Just like her wit and her personality and the way she wins people over. If Chloe had said she couldn't go to the rave would anyone care? Maybe Izzy, but Finn? No way. She had lost the battle before it had even begun.

Chloe hadn't realized it but she let out an audible scream in her frustration and a few curious faces poked around the corner to see what was going on. Great, now _she_ looked like the mental one! One of the faces belonged to Archie and Chloe's mind quickly worked out that he was now up for grabs. Wanting to push everything out of her mind, she made her way toward him.

"Hey, Chlo, you alright?"

God, he looked sexy in a point-dexter-letting-loose sort of way. His hair was slightly damp, his cheeks were flushed, and there was a ring of sweat around the collar of his t-shirt that she just wanted to yank off of him to lick any sweat that lay beneath.

"Yeah, ah'm fine. You're just the man ah wanted ta see, actually."

"Is that so?" He slurs with a flirtatious lift of his eyebrows.

"Yeah, ya fancy a dance?"


	4. Surrender

"Finn, I-" Rae paused while her nerves ran wild, constricting her throat and making her sweat. She continued, "Finn, ah wasn't in France this year. Ah've never bloody been there. I think mah mum just said it because it was the poshest place that came ta mind."

Finn's face was frozen in a state of mild confusion, his thick brow furled, a slight squint in his eyes, and his lips were parted almost irresistibly. Rae lost herself for a moment while her eyes drifted from his face to his bobbing adam's apple down to the rise and fall of his magnificent chest, noticing how little he seemed to be breathing compared to her practically hyperventilating. It was then she noticed heartbeat in her veins and forced herself to look away-she really couldn't look at him while she said this-she began again.

"In the spring, I was admitt'd to a mental home because I kept tryin ta hurt myself." She chuckles to the thought that's she's actually going to say the words she's been rehearsing in her head for weeks, "I'm actually mad." Quickly, her mind tried to work up a joke to lighten the mood before she had to look at his face as everything changed. By the time she thought of one and glanced over at him, though, she forgot it instantly. Finn Nelson was staring at her with the most unreadable expression she'd ever seen but he'd never looked so kind. His eyes were soft and serious as he blinked at her, "Wha' happened exactly?" he asked tentatively.  
Shit. Exactly what she was afraid of: more questions. It's not enough to tell someone your mental, they have to know exactly how mental, how afraid they should be.

"Look, ya don't 'ave ta tell meh anythin' ya don't want to. Ah just-" for a moment it seemed like he was trying to convey something with his eyes but gave up, breaking their gaze. Watching him as he struggled for his words, he looked so utterly helpless and out of his comfort zone, and she knew it was her job to answer all of his questions.  
"Right, well. We might as well get it all out now." She assessed. "I have a lotta bad thoughts, Finn. Just these random bad thoughts that ah can't stop no mattah what ah do. Ah've picked up a few tricks in therapy. See, I have to go ta therapy even now that ah'm out of hospital but ah'm gettin' bettah. Anyway, ah have these tricks like counting ta ten in my head and takin deep breaths that ah have ta do or else ah'll..." and this is where she faltered.

This is the worst part. Telling someone that you hurt yourself. It's funny because, in her own mind and talking to Tix, it's not a big deal at all. It used to be a daily occurence and it's just a thing that happens, really. But telling someone who doesn't understand what it's like-what it's like to be constantly bombarded by self-inflicted insults and anxieties to the point where you can't breathe; you can't breathe because the thoughts have snaked their way out of your mind and wrapped themselves around your lungs and constricted, tight; and the only way to get your lungs to open up to force your mind to shut up is to slice yourself open, to suck in a sharp breath and drag the blade until your mind is relieved of all other thoughts; and being able to sink with relief into a subdued state, finally breathing, with a quiet mind; and watch the blood droplets form, unable to care that you're wounded, unable to recognize that flesh as your own, unable to feel a thing-it is impossible to explain this to a person who doesn't already know. Hurting yourself is easy but watching the pain in their eyes is unbearable.

* * *

He could tell she needed encouragement. He didn't know what to do, he felt so out of his element, and that's not the way it should be. Being with Rae, talking to her, comforting her, this should be his element; he should be able to repay her the kindness she'd shown him. He wished so badly that they were back in his room, that he could fix her tea and place it in her hands as gingerly as possible and let her lie back on his bed and relax while they listened to just the right album. He had no idea what to do but he had to do something, so he reached for her hand and, tenderly turning it over in his own, he wrote to her: GO ON.

Rachel Earl looked incredibly beautiful in that moment, her large eyes brimming with tears, he hadn't known someone could look so delicate and so strong at once. He ached to hear her speak again, although he was afraid of what she would say, he was much more afraid of being shut out, of not having Rae be able to be open with him.

"Finn, ah used ta do things that weren't very nice.. to maself. People usually don't like hearin' about stuff like tha'." Her eyes gouged his pleadingly as she nibbled the inner part of her bottom lip and he knew she needed to say this and that he needed to listen.

"Ah'm listenin'."

She blinked and the first teardrop fell, "I've cut maself and.. I burn maself with hot watah, well I used to." She quickly blurts out that last part and he's unsure if it's completely true. He nods and she continues, sniffling but visibly more confident, "I also do really weird things like ah turn light switches off in divisions of eight and ah've got this really funny relationship with a larder in our house where my mum keeps like sweets and biscuits and crisps and all the things we shouldn't eat." The last bit is punctuated with a light chuckle and she drops her eyes and removes one of her hands from Finn's grasp to wipe her tears away. When she looks back up at him, she looks unsure and the silence feels infinite, she seems to apologize to Finn with a shrug of her shoulders.

Fuck. What was he supposed to say? He hated the way she seemed sorry for being herself. There were a million emotions running through him but he couldn't articulate one and he was worried that, if he tried, he'd end up articulating the wrong one. Fuck speaking. He pulled her in and hugged her tightly, hoping he could erode all the memories of those times when she was alone and just needed to be hugged.


	5. Affronted and Accosted

The feel of his body so close to hers, moving in sync, was sending x-rated thoughts to her head. This was normal. Dancing at a rave with a fit boy and wanting to do... more. Yes. Maybe finally she had gotten it right. Well, snogging was the first step, wasn't it? Turning to face him, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, slowing their pace and closing any distance between them. Archie, however, awkwardly tried to keep up with the beat and made what was supposed to be a lover's embrace into a gyrating mess. Chloe was sick of playing games. She had learned from her sister how to send signals and, so far, they weren't working for her. Not with Finn and, now, she was failing with Archie. Sliding her hand down his bicep to his chest and down his stomach, reaching her goal: the golden torch. Instead of returning her enthusiasm, Archie jerked away uncomfortably and put his hands up. "I'm sorry Chloe, I can't." And with that, he backed away and left her stranded on the dance floor.

Rejected by the only two fit, available boys she knew-obviously Chop was out of the question because Izzy, unlike Rae, had made it clear that she had feelings for him-Chloe slinked her way to the bar. What was wrong with her? Why did it have to be so hard? Her sister had assured her that it would be easier for her because of her looks and her figure. Well, apparently, her sister hadn't a fucking clue.

"Y'alright?" A voice calls to her and she turns to see a somewhat-familiar face saddle up next to her at the bar. What was his name again? Kendog?

"Yeah, you?"

"Ah'm buzzin'. This is some good shit I scored."

"Oh, yeah?"

He looks up at her with a devilish grin on his face. "Yeah, ya didn't get any? Ah told that wankah, Chop, ta share."

"Oh, well, ah didn't want any ta start my night but.." She let herself trail off, not sure if this was the right decision.

"But?"

As she looked into the dead eyes of the drug-dealer from Dalehead, she was reminded of a similar taunting gaze. A gaze shared by all older, creepy scumbags of the world, she supposed, as a memory of Stephen-Mr. Carrisford-flirting with her in his office for a 'private meeting' sprung into her mind.

"But nothin'. Ah have ta go."

And, as she turned to go, she felt a strong hand on her arm, accompanied by the testosterone-filled jeer she was becoming accustomed to hearing, "Now, don't be a tease!"

Terrified, she took a second before she turning to look the dirtbag in the face. She scanned the crowd quickly and Chop's face came into view.

"Chop!"

It didn't take more than a second for Chop to appear and assess the scene and, like the good friend he is, he stepped in. "Hey, Chlo. Just the girl I was lookin' ta see." He spoke genuinely with a smile on his face. A smile that disappeared as he broke Kendo's grasp on her and, gently ushering her away, roughly stated, "Sorry, buddeh."


End file.
